My head is about to explode
am watching the rise and fall of my salvation
theres so much shit around me such a lack of compassion
i thought it would be fun and games
instead its all the same
i want somethings to do
need to feel the sickness in you
i feel the reason as its leaving me no not again
its quite deceiving as im feeling the flesh make me bad
all i do is look for you i need my fix you need it to
just to get some sort of attention attention
what does it mean to you
for me its something i just do
i want something
i need to feel the sickness in you
i feel the reason as its leaving me no not again
its quite deceiving as im feeling the flesh make me bad
i feel the reason as its leaving me no not again
its quite deceiving as im feeling the flesh make me bad
i feel the reason as its leaving me no not again
its quite deceiving as im feeling the flesh make me bad
i feel the reason as its leaving me no not again
its quite deceiving as im feeling the flesh make me bad
come back come back, don't walk away
come back come back come back today
come back oh my why can't you see?
come back come back come back to me
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Dilemma
I got two letters from Embry Riddle today. The first one is an offer letter while the second one is a document detailing the amount of credit hours which have been accepted by the university. The first letter explained that instead of waiting until August, I could choose to start my education on the 25th of June. The second letter detailed that only 34 of my existing credits have been accepted. By the end of my current semester, that number would rise to 39. And to put it all into perspective, for a typical year at college, one does anywhere between the range of 24 to 32 credit hours. I have spent 2 years at INTI and all I could muster was around 44 credit hours. This means that I average out at about 22 credit hours per semester and when I put it into perspective, the 44 I earned sounds like a huge failure. And to make matters a little more interesting, only 39 has been accepted and to successfully complete a degree in Aerospace Engineering, I need a total of 129 credit hours.
Now I know that you must be wondering, how come I only have 44 credits instead of 60? As much as I don't want to point fingers, I really feel that the blame really lies in the quality of the college. When I first started at INTI, I really wanted to take as many credit hours as possible but as my time at college went on, I realized that this was not possible. It was not because I didn't want to but its simply because no matter how much I wanted to factors beyond my control stopped me from earning more credits.
The first reason is because the quality of the lecturing as well as the syllabus for engineering subjects at INTI are substandard at best. The lecturers are ill equipped to deal with the rigours of explaining the complexities of engineering concepts to its students. Furthermore, many of the lecturers do not understand the American way of learning and often use Malaysian methods to teach. What I mean by Malaysian methods is that the lecturer hardly engages the students, reads from a book and they hardly make an effort to ensure that the students has understood what has been taught and as a result of this, many students find it very difficult to cope with the lectures. And to solve this problem, the lecturers often resort to unorthodox methods such as the handing out of tips to the students. They literally tell them what to study and what to expect for their exams. And when this happens all the confused students will ever bother to do is to study the tips and disregard the core objective of actually learning the subject with an intention of applying it in the next level or whenever they need to. And this produces students with substandard knowledge of a certain subject and therefore giving a false impression of the results that they got for their exams. And having realized all of these, I decided that it is best not to waste my money doing subjects here because when the dust finally settles, I will come to find that I didn't actually learn anything. And this has cost me at least 15 to 20 credit hours. Which translates to almost one year of work. But even if I did choose to waste my money, it would be pointless because the university wouldn't accept those credits anyways. So what this has done is that it has left me with a huge deficit and it left me with a whole lot of catching up to do which of course brings my focus back to to first letter.
As you may recall, I mentioned that the first letter is an offer letter which allowed me to start my semester in June which will allow me to catch up on the deficit by as much as 6 credit hours. I'm currently putting some very serious thought into this opportunity. If I ultimately choose to accept this offer, next month could very well be my last month in Malaysia for a very, very long time. But that's perhaps the least of my concerns at the moment. What I'm more concerned about is the amount of time which I would need to do all the necessary preparations and not to forget the extra cost which I have to incur. What should I do? Should I start now and finish early or should I start later and end up having to work round the clock in order to graduate by spring of 2010?
Now I know that you must be wondering, how come I only have 44 credits instead of 60? As much as I don't want to point fingers, I really feel that the blame really lies in the quality of the college. When I first started at INTI, I really wanted to take as many credit hours as possible but as my time at college went on, I realized that this was not possible. It was not because I didn't want to but its simply because no matter how much I wanted to factors beyond my control stopped me from earning more credits.
The first reason is because the quality of the lecturing as well as the syllabus for engineering subjects at INTI are substandard at best. The lecturers are ill equipped to deal with the rigours of explaining the complexities of engineering concepts to its students. Furthermore, many of the lecturers do not understand the American way of learning and often use Malaysian methods to teach. What I mean by Malaysian methods is that the lecturer hardly engages the students, reads from a book and they hardly make an effort to ensure that the students has understood what has been taught and as a result of this, many students find it very difficult to cope with the lectures. And to solve this problem, the lecturers often resort to unorthodox methods such as the handing out of tips to the students. They literally tell them what to study and what to expect for their exams. And when this happens all the confused students will ever bother to do is to study the tips and disregard the core objective of actually learning the subject with an intention of applying it in the next level or whenever they need to. And this produces students with substandard knowledge of a certain subject and therefore giving a false impression of the results that they got for their exams. And having realized all of these, I decided that it is best not to waste my money doing subjects here because when the dust finally settles, I will come to find that I didn't actually learn anything. And this has cost me at least 15 to 20 credit hours. Which translates to almost one year of work. But even if I did choose to waste my money, it would be pointless because the university wouldn't accept those credits anyways. So what this has done is that it has left me with a huge deficit and it left me with a whole lot of catching up to do which of course brings my focus back to to first letter.
As you may recall, I mentioned that the first letter is an offer letter which allowed me to start my semester in June which will allow me to catch up on the deficit by as much as 6 credit hours. I'm currently putting some very serious thought into this opportunity. If I ultimately choose to accept this offer, next month could very well be my last month in Malaysia for a very, very long time. But that's perhaps the least of my concerns at the moment. What I'm more concerned about is the amount of time which I would need to do all the necessary preparations and not to forget the extra cost which I have to incur. What should I do? Should I start now and finish early or should I start later and end up having to work round the clock in order to graduate by spring of 2010?
Monday, April 14, 2008
Short
Initially I wanted to do Rachel's tag but after some thinking I realized that I couldn't really do it without thinking about some stuff and all I could type in was that one thing and it definitely won't do the tag justice. So instead of doing it today, I shall do it on another day when I have a much clearer train of thought.
On another note, its quite amazing how a friend can be made when I choose not to wear my armor. And its amazing just how much you can find out. Looks like I have a new ally. That's it. I think I'm going to change my major from Aerospace Engineering to Global Intelligence and then I'd set up my very own Private Investigative Firm.
On another note, its quite amazing how a friend can be made when I choose not to wear my armor. And its amazing just how much you can find out. Looks like I have a new ally. That's it. I think I'm going to change my major from Aerospace Engineering to Global Intelligence and then I'd set up my very own Private Investigative Firm.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Fade To Black
Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free
Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this cant be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel
Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now hes gone
No one but me can save myself, but its too late
Now I cant think, think why I should even try
Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye
Sigh 10
Again, again again and again I move from these settings with an ego battered from a harsh tour of regrets. Battered from the lack of significance which I portray myself in. No, it's not because I don't care but its because I keep loosing myself everytime you're there in front of me. Hours, days even, all go wasted simply because I was too overwhelmed by the fact that I'm actually living the moment that I've been waiting for for so long. And to blow it all just because I can't hold myself together is deeply frustrating at times. When you try so hard to get me in, all I can do is just look and give you a smile and before you know it, I'm no longer there. Gone as if nothing ever happened. Why? Why is it so difficult to start something? Should I beg? Steal? Borrow? What? What should I do just to have one perfect moment? No. This just doesn't make any sense anymore. I'm slipping and I know it but yet I choose not to seek any help. I'm slipping and yet I choose to let myself fall down rather than to expose a battered ego. I imagined a cup full of wine today. It was there when I came but I didn't drink it and now I am lost. My addiction went unfed. You're like alcohol. Once you've tasted it, you want to enjoy its euphoria no matter what the consequence.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Silly Moments
Today was the last day of classes for the January 2008 semester and surprisingly, I didn't really feel whatever it is that I was supposed to feel when one goes through the last day of something. In fact, I didn't even realize it until late in the evening. But I guess that I didn't quite feel that was because officially, it was the last day of classes, but I still had to return to college to take the exam this Friday and not to mention the few trips which I have to make in order to complete my visa applications and also the many many more trips which I have to make for the Photography event which will be held next semester.
But speaking about Visa applications. I had a rather silly moment today. While surfing the internet, I realized that I had still not looked for a hotel where I would spend a few nights at before the dormitories open for the semester. So, with that in mind I googled Daytona Beach and I managed to locate the area's official website which had almost everything about the city. Right from its history to local businesses. But anyways, as I was going through the list of hotels, I couldn't help but marvel at the beauty of the surrounding area and what struck me most was the beach itself. I don't know about you but I have a soft spot for beaches. Perhaps it is because I'm a rather subdued person in most ways and the serenity offered by the beach at dusk fits me best. All I have to do is sit on a beach chair staring out into the horizon, listening to the sounds of crashing waves, the sounds of passing birds all while enjoying the beauty of the sunset and maybe I could take a few good pictures and enjoy them later. It is scenes like these that often excite me the most. And its during these times that I often get my best thoughts. Thoughts that I would really like to write down but it all disappears as soon as I leave the tranquil confines of the beach. Its nothing complicated but I guess that sometimes beauty really lies in simplicity and it is this kind of simplicity which makes me happy. And to imagine that after two decades of breathing nothing but pollution, spending the next two years living by the beach really is one adventure I would definitely look forward too.
Silly right? I thought so. But anyways, I received a message from Jon today. It appears that my camera has been collected and all I need to do now is to go and get it. And speaking about cameras, I had another silly moment.
It was around 6 o'clock in the evening and I was getting rather tired with my hotel hunt so I decided to go out and play with my dog. Something that I don't do very often. But as I was playing with my dog, I happened to look up into the sky and for some reason everthing about it looked more beautiful than it has ever been before. The sky had a very mild tone of blue to it and setting sun's rays painted the clouds orange and a cresent was visible. The colors were really soft and it was very pleasing to the eye. I imagined a perfect picture. I wanted to take a picture but I hadn't charged my batteries and therefore I really had no way of capturing the evening sky. A thought then dawned upon me. Ever since I took photography up as a hobby, I've learnt to see everything around me in ways most people don't. Colors excite me like the never have, contrasts become more obvious and details are more visible than ever before. All the while I just sat there and set a keen eye on the skies above. I don't know how long I was there but all I know was that by the time I had stood up to leave, the clouds were no longer orange. The cresent had become more obvious. The skies were now a darker shade of blue. I don't know why but I guess this must be a bug that infects most photographers.
But speaking about Visa applications. I had a rather silly moment today. While surfing the internet, I realized that I had still not looked for a hotel where I would spend a few nights at before the dormitories open for the semester. So, with that in mind I googled Daytona Beach and I managed to locate the area's official website which had almost everything about the city. Right from its history to local businesses. But anyways, as I was going through the list of hotels, I couldn't help but marvel at the beauty of the surrounding area and what struck me most was the beach itself. I don't know about you but I have a soft spot for beaches. Perhaps it is because I'm a rather subdued person in most ways and the serenity offered by the beach at dusk fits me best. All I have to do is sit on a beach chair staring out into the horizon, listening to the sounds of crashing waves, the sounds of passing birds all while enjoying the beauty of the sunset and maybe I could take a few good pictures and enjoy them later. It is scenes like these that often excite me the most. And its during these times that I often get my best thoughts. Thoughts that I would really like to write down but it all disappears as soon as I leave the tranquil confines of the beach. Its nothing complicated but I guess that sometimes beauty really lies in simplicity and it is this kind of simplicity which makes me happy. And to imagine that after two decades of breathing nothing but pollution, spending the next two years living by the beach really is one adventure I would definitely look forward too.
Silly right? I thought so. But anyways, I received a message from Jon today. It appears that my camera has been collected and all I need to do now is to go and get it. And speaking about cameras, I had another silly moment.
It was around 6 o'clock in the evening and I was getting rather tired with my hotel hunt so I decided to go out and play with my dog. Something that I don't do very often. But as I was playing with my dog, I happened to look up into the sky and for some reason everthing about it looked more beautiful than it has ever been before. The sky had a very mild tone of blue to it and setting sun's rays painted the clouds orange and a cresent was visible. The colors were really soft and it was very pleasing to the eye. I imagined a perfect picture. I wanted to take a picture but I hadn't charged my batteries and therefore I really had no way of capturing the evening sky. A thought then dawned upon me. Ever since I took photography up as a hobby, I've learnt to see everything around me in ways most people don't. Colors excite me like the never have, contrasts become more obvious and details are more visible than ever before. All the while I just sat there and set a keen eye on the skies above. I don't know how long I was there but all I know was that by the time I had stood up to leave, the clouds were no longer orange. The cresent had become more obvious. The skies were now a darker shade of blue. I don't know why but I guess this must be a bug that infects most photographers.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
8 Days More
My finals is next week, and here I am sitting half brain dead in front of this laptop not knowing what to do or what to say. Eventhough I know that I should be studying, somehow, I just don't feel like doing so. Its as if I no longer have any drive in me to study. Yes I know that I've got a decent coursework result, enough to get me an A but somehow I just don't feel like taking that extra mile. I need to wake up and start moving. I only have 8 days more till I sit for my last exam in this country. Eventhough I have been through periods like these before, somehow this feels a little more serious than the others. With that said, I think I need to step outside and take in a good breath of fresh air and rid myself of this 20th century marvel before it destroys me.
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