I Got It

I finally got what I have been asking for for a very long time. All I can think of now is to play as many games as I can. But too bad, I'm in the thicke of preparing for my final exams. After that, its two weeks of pure gaming!!!

My Perfect Journey

A few minutes ago, I was indulging myself in a National Geographic Magazine. I was reading about the the mass deforestation and the destruction of the Amazon Forest by unscrupulous developers and soy planters. I then went on to read a little bit about a man's nearly fatal adventure at the north pole. As a matter of fact, I'm reading it while typing out this post. What amazed me most about the magazine was the level of professionalism displayed by the journalists who write in them and also the level of photography involved. I always believed that language and art showed the true level of civilization by a certain community. That is particularly why I do not have much reverence towards Malaysians or towards any community within this respect who have butchered languages ,used them in vain, proclaimed that art are for losers and have committed unprecedented horrors upon the development of mankind. But returning to the magazine.

While reading the magazine, I could not help but be amazed by what I read and what I saw. I also started to feel jealous. I felt a great deal of envy towards the photographers who held their cameras and shot the pictures that I saw. I envied the journalists who were able to write in this magazine. What I envied the most were the people who got to embark on amazing adventures during their quest to acquire material for the magazine. All of these made me ask myself a few questions. What is it that I really want in life? How do I wish to see myself twenty years from now? Am I really doing what satisfies me, or what satisfies my mind?

Right now, I am a student who is in the process of majoring with a bachelors degree in Aerospace Engineering. I had a passion for aeroplanes since I was a young lad. It all started when my father used to take me to the restaurants that lined the side of Subang Airport's runway. He would take me to the fence, and we would watch Aeroplanes take off and land. The sight of it really awed me. We used to go there regularly. Even if we did not go there to eat, I would drag my dad and beg him, at night, to take me there just so I could go and watch aeroplanes. And he would. Another place which we would go to was the Cargo Terminal. I remember seeing a huge Boeing 747 parked on the tarmac.The sight of it just rooted me to the ground. I would just stand and look at it with so much excitement. That passion still remains as strong as ever. But somehow, I never felt satisfied enough studying math and physics. I needed something more.

All along, I always considered myself to be different. Different in a sense that, I fail to find amusement in what others around me find amusing. I rarely find myself engaged in conversations in which people around me usually do with ease. I somehow never seemed to share the hopes and dreams of others. Where everybody else was in a mad pursuit to wear white collars, I was dreaming of soaking myself in mud. I love dreaming of doing things that seemed out of the ordinary. I love embarking on outrageous if not amazing adventures. I love standing right smack in the middle of danger, hanging by a rope that may snap at anytime. Call me crazy or unrealistic, but this is just who I am. I couldn't care less about anything else or what anybody has to say. I just love the adrenaline rush and that feeling of boyish excitement that comes along with it. I just love doing something that is completely wild an out of the ordinary. Thats why I figured that when the dust finally settles, I want to be a journalist, a photographer, an explorer, an adventurer, a traveller, a wealthy psychopath an adrenaline junkie, and so many other things. I just want to experience anything and everything. Too bad, where I stay, It is almost impossible to find someone who shares this dream.

Life is something that should never be wasted on attempting to please all those around you. It should instead be spent on doing the the things that satisfies you the most. Let it be anything. But just make sure that you are happy doing it. For you live for yourself, not for the world.

Of Real Men and V8 Engines

Whoever said that watching F1 from the grandstands is a boring affair, must be a real nutcase. I'd refute their claims anyday ,anywhere. I went to Sepang to watch the official F1 testing today. And boy was I blown away. The cars were superb. The sounds were extremely loud. Nevere have I witnessed something so spectacular. Save for the time I sat in the cockpit of an F/A-18D fighter jet back in 2005.

I had planned this outing for over a week. I had known about the testing late last year, and naturally, I was excited. I tried calling a few friends, but most of them, except Ashvin, backed out. Its their loss I guess. We took the bus there. And also for the trip back home.

But to save you the trouble of having to read, I shall post some pictures instead. Enjoy.

My Childhood Part 2

So people, after much delay, I will now write the sequel to My Childhood Part 1. For this post,you better put on you fire suits and get ready to call the firemen. You might need them sooner than you think. But before you read this one, read the first part.

Did I mention to any of you that I loved creating 'art' out of fire? Well, in case you didn't know, I love fire and I love to make then. Anywhere, anytime. In my house, we have an altar. And in the altar there are many flammable items as well as matchsticks. And my mother always told me never to play with fire It might burn you. So what I would do is, I would go into the altar, close the door and stare at the altar. After a few minutes, I would reach into the drawer and grab some paper. After that I would crumple all those sheets of paper into a big ball of paper, then put it into one of those small metal boxes. I would do next is to light the match, and then turn the papers into a huge fireball. Like all things, fire too grows. When it is small, its hardly scary. But when the fire becomes big, that's when all of hell will break loose. When it became big, I would start running around like a headless chicken trying to look for water. Fortunately for me, there is a Toilet beside my altar. I would run in, grab a small cup of water and pour it over the fire. But to my horror, the fire did not die out. I quickly ran into the the toilet again and grabbed some more water. The fire would only die out after a few attempts. But that was long enough to allow the fire to cause the altar's yellow paint to turn black and to burn off a little bit of its wood. Wonder how mom would respond to that? I got scared. I really did not know what to do. I tried wiping it off with a dry cloth, but that did not work. I tried to think a a million different excuses to tell my mom. I even tried to tell her that the maid did it. And in case you were wondering, this is how she responded to it. As usual, my mom would return home after work. The first thing that she would normally do is to go to the kitchen and eat, re freshen herself, then go to her favorite place. The Altar! She was in for a rude shock.
'Pina, (my maid's name) Why is the altar so black?' 'I don't know.' That's when I would walk in with my sad face trying to explain how the entire thing wasn't my fault. I would say that I was trying to clean the altar and I accidentally burned the place. Of course, like all adults, she did not buy it. She gave me a good spanking afterward.

Of course, that was not the last time I ever played with fire. Another time I did, I nearly burnt the whole house down. This was what happened. I emptied one of the wastepaper baskets in my home and brought it to my study room. I then locked the door. I then started to put my old books into the wastepaper basket. Next, I poured some oil into it. I grabbed a matchstick and started to burn the papers. And all of those happened right next to the wall. Which had a photo beside it. As it started to burn, I heard footsteps coming from the staircase. And before I knew it, my maid was knocking on the room door. 'Hoi, Senthil! What are you doing? I want to put in the clothes. Faster open the door.' my maid started saying. I didn't reply. I stood there with my mouth shut. Staring at the growing fire. I started to panic. I did not know what to do. As I stood there watching, the wastepaperbasket started to melt. The wall started turning black. But yet, I just stood there and watched. Suddenly, 'Oi Senthil! Why got smoke? Are you playing with the fire? I tell you mother. Ai! Faster! The whole house burn I tell you!!' My maid started screaming. By then, black smoke was already rising from the wastepaper basket. I snapped out of my state of shock, ran to the toilet, grabbed a pail of water and poured it over the burning wastepaper basket. Due to the size of the fire, I had to pour water over it a few times before it died down. By then my maid was screaming in Filipino Language. Man, that was funny. Filipino language is funny indeed. Even a normal conversation among them sounds like they are fighting. Screaming was like war. Funnier that Russel Peter's accents. I can still remember it. When the fire died down, I opened the door to let her in. She started scolding me. I told her that I accidentally started the fire. And it wasn't my fault. The more I tried to tell her what 'happened' the more she did not believe me. She even spanked me. That night, when my parents returned home, my maid told them everything. And as usual, they gave me a good beating while lecturing me. But this did not deter me from my fiery ambition.

I did more burnings at my house. I remember my brother and I burnt the floor panels with my dad's soldering equioment once. He got pretty mad. I also managed to burn a few holes in the bedsheet with incence sticks. I did many more but I can't remember them. But that's all for now. I still have more stories. But once again, I'll leave that for another post.

The Game That Never Was

Everytime that you ask me, I am forced into lying. Everytime you mention it, my heart skips three beats. Sometimes I really wish that I could tell you the truth and say that it is you who owns a piece of me. Without it, I feel so empty. That it is you who carried me away from all that is real. That it is you that makes me feel the way I feel. But somehow, I just can seem to find it in me to tell you how i feel. Sometimes I worry too much. Sometimes I ask too much. I know that the faster I run, the faster I win the race, but I risks are just too heavy. The slower I move, I risk loosing the race, but I dont risks are lighter.What should I do? Play the game, or back out of it and live in regret and continue to ponder about what might have been. Winston Churchill once said, ' Life is but a game of Russian Roulette, throw the dice and hope for the best.' But then again, ' Life is also but a game of chess, you think before your move'

For this is the game that never really was a game. It was merely an illusion created by the player who had never really understood the significance of what he saw hapen right before the sight of his eyes. This is an 'game' never to produce winners and never to produce losers. Only reconciliation between lost souls.

Just a piece that I took off and completed from my old blog.

3/11/07

If you were expecting My Chilhood Part 2 today, I'm sorry to have disappointed you. Like yesterday, I just did not have the time today. I went to the doctor, for the second time in less then a week. Lat week I was sick, this week, I just needed the doctor. I went to customize my computer today, after years of asking my parents. I studied physics today. Physics is getting more and more interesting. Ms Jerry is simply awesome. She may not be the best, but she sure knows how to keep us entertained. The entire class is just whacky. Me, Sachin, Calvin, Nickie, Bridget, Kok Luey, Kazu, Radzlin, Fazlan, and the other diploma dudes, along Ms. Jerry, we make one heck of a circus. We talked about gays and pretty boys today. Oh brother. But apart from that, today was indeed a great day. No better words to describe it.

March the 11th 2007.

My Blog

'An amazing journey, always starts with an amazing attitude.' I wanted to continue to blog about my childhood today but I decided against it because I'm just too lazy. I do enjoy writing about my childhood. Yesterday, really I couldn't stop laughing while I was writing about my childhood days. I was laughing all the way through. Replaying all those scenes really was a good experience. Who would have ever thought that someone like me could have caused so much carnage? But anyways, returning to the point, though I do enjoy writing about my childhood, I don't want to do it right now because the following episodes are simply too long and I don't have as much time as I would have liked to have right now. And furthermore, not everybody has read it yet, and therefore, I shall let everybody read it, then proceed to the next episode.

So, what do I blog about? I don't know. Your guess is as good as mine. Quite frequently, in my charge to fill this blog with at least an entry a day, I have posted so many works of questionable quality at best. I do admit that while I have come up with some pretty good posts, the rest of them are a complete eyesore. So much so that even I get bored of reading them. To make matters worse, some of them just don't make any sense or even justify a point at least. This of course leads to one problem. If I don't particularly enjoy reading my blog, would others be? This is obviously a question of common sense. Need I answer it? But wit this said, will it lead me to produce entries of better quality in the forseable future? I don't know. Does Martin Scorcese make good movies all the time? The last time I checked, it took him ages to get an award. So your guess is also as good as mine. But for all of you who have read and left comments on this blog, I really thank you. The knowledge of the existence if this blog is limited to only a few people, 5 I think, but I do suspect that number to be slightly larger. But to those of you whao have been reading, thank you.

My Childhood Part 1

Over these past few days I've been bombarded by memories from the times when I was young lad. I visited places that I used to play at as a young lad. I met people whom I used to annoy as a young boy, and I even saw young kids behaving the way I did when I was a young chap. But what came back to me the most was the years where I did not particularly enjoy. Standard 3 right up to Standard 6. For all those years, I had teachers who picked on me alot. And honestly, I still don't understand why. I admit that I did not finish much of their homework. But so were the others. But I guess that the past is the past and I'd better get that out of my system. Idiots are not worth mentioning. But what I would like to talk about is my 'bad arse childhood'

I'm sure alot of you must have heard about it ny now. But for those of you who have not, here goes. Hmm, where should I start? Ok, I guess I'd start with all the little details.

My name is Senthil, I was born on the 24th of August 1988, one day after Yee Leong who also happens to be my neighbour. I don't know what I am, but my parents say that I'm a Hindu, and therefore I should marry a Hindu girl. But we all know that it won't happen. Alright, now that you know a little bit about me, I shall go on to the things that I did as a little boy.

When I was a young boy, I loved destroying things. Among them were cars, tables, toys, dad's whisky bottles. I particularly remember damaging my dad's Mercedes- Benz. Twice. This is how it happened. Remember how those old Mercedes cars used to have a logo on the front of their hood which could turn? My dad's car had one of those. What I would do is, I would go up to the car and start twisting the logo as if it were a toy. And after a few twists, the logo would unmount from its hole. And there is no way to fix it. So I would panic and leave it on the hood and pretend as if nothing happened. Then when dad got home, he would get really upset and then give me the hardest beating in the world. Yeah, it was painful. He would beat me with the broken logo. How's that for size? It cost my dad a bomb to repair it. The best part was, I did it all over again, a few days later. And like the last time, I got a good beating, with the logo. Since then, I have never dared tamper with his car.

The second time where I damaged a car was when I was around five. What happened was, my brother and I were sitting at the front seat of my mother's Toyota. Everyone else was in the house. My brother was in the drivers seat while I was in the seat next to him. Suddenly, I put my hand on the handbrake and pushed it down. To my horror, the car started to roll backwards. Our driveway was sloped back then. Anyways, I started to panic. I did not know what to do. I quickly opened the door, and jumped out of the car. Leaving my brother in it. When I jumped out, I saw the front gate open. The car kept rolling down, picking up speed as it did. And before I knew it, it had smashed with a loud crashing sound into my opposite neighbour's front gate. That's when all hell broke loose. Everybody came running out of the house to see what had happened. I remember my grandma running out of the house. She had difficulty running because she was wearing a Saree. All I did was stand there and watch. The next thing I knew was that the neighbours came outside to see what happened. Before you knew it, I was being interrogated by every single one of my family members. I laid the blame on my brother. That sight still makes me laugh to this very day! Imagine seeing a white Toyota with your brother in it roll down the driveway, smash into your neighbour's gate then have everyone, including your old grandma run out to see what had happened. Oh brother. Of course, I have more car incidents. My brother and I caused my mother to get into a crash once. We were fighting.

Another thing which I used to do as a little boy was to play with water. Only this time, I used water to 'wash' my house. You see, I had this Indonesian maid quite some time ago. Her name was Yati. When she spoke, we couldn't even understand her as she had a very thick Indonesian accent. But fact is, I loved to give her trouble. What I would do is, I would turn on the tap which had a hose and bring it all the way to the kitchen. I would then spray the entire kitchen with water. So much so that the kitchen would become flooded. When I say flooded, I really mean flooded. The water would be up to my ankles. The carpets would become soaked in water. When that happened, Yati used to start screaming in the funniest of accents. When she tried to stop me, I would then start spraying her with water instead. That's when she would start screaming even louder. She would then chase me around the house. Catch me, then beat me. After doing that, she would run outside and start crying. God, her crying was so loud that all the neighbours, the housewives, would come out running to see what had happened. I would then get a good scolding. After that, my mother would come back. Before she walked into the house, she would greet me with hugs, but the moment she walked in, she would give me the harshest caning. She would use the feather duster, the cake spoon and all kinds of other weapons. I did this not once, not twice, but many times. Do you now understand my fixation for water?

But another watery incident happened when I was five also. One day, my brother and I were playing in the garden. We then heard a very familiar sound. It was the post man. We quickly grabbed the hose. When the postman came to our house to deliver the letters, we turned on the tap and started spraying him with water. He got the shock of his life. He reversed while screaming 'Tolong! Tolong!' That was when my maid came rushing out to see what was happening. The guy backed away and rode off to the next house.

So here you have it, part one, of my naughty childhood. I have alot more stories to tell. The next one's involve fire and televisions. But I shall leave them for another post. So, am I an angel or what?

The Roman Law

You know what, I feel like the world's biggest idiot. I just feel like taking a sledgehammer and bludgeoning myself with it. Do you remember the time I wrote 'letters written with blood?', and how I said I would follow that up with 'the fallout'? If you have read it, you might remember me speaking about the dangers of the imagination of the human mind. And also how much I regretted engendering those thoughts? Lets just say that I failed to understand and learn from the very words that I preached! I know that I may not be a paragon of virtue, but being a paradox to my own principles is something that should never go about like a spoilt little brat who was never disciplined.

But I guess, this is it for me. I've seen too much to doubt reality. I've heard too much to be deafened by the sound of language. And I have thought too much to be oblivious to my thoughts. In essence, I have learnt too much. All I pray for is never to have these provocative termites eat through my neurons and take control of my mind. For when it comes to thought manipulating termites, I am but a block of wood. Food.

I have done nothing wrong and therefore I shall have no ill thoughts towards myself by another being. Assumptions shall always remain an assumption unless the assumption is proven to be true. In short, I shall take the law of the Roman. Innocent unless proven otherwise. This is one of the many sticks that I wish to live by throughout the course of my life.

The mind is an equally destructive force as it is a useful one. How you use it is up to you.

Right Thing

I have reluctantly agreed to lift a weight of my shoulders. I knew that doing so was probably in my best of interests. However, I still feel like I have done the wrong thing. Evenhtough I can now sleep in peace and realise that I may touch 3.6 after the semseter ends. But I will also go to bed realising that I may have to go through the May semester next year. So it looks like there won't be any breaks for me. I'll be going right after my May semester.
I know that I had three days to make the decision. Though I was sure to hang on to it for much of these three days, statistics made me change my mind. I just hope that I have done the right thing.

Attacked By Fever

I have wasted 6 hours of precious time today. Why? It's all because I have been attacked and brought down by fever. Though a mild one at first, it has now become rather annoying. I wanted to study today, but I couldn't concentrate. And physics requires a good deal of concentration. So that's out of the question. My other options? Well I have economics, calculus 2 and history. I tried doing them, but I could not. So its one day wasted. Its such a shame really, because I had intentions of keeping myself up to date on the current lectures. But it looks like I'll have to do it on the weekends instead.

My Home of Late

It has dawned upon me that the place where I live may no longer be as safe as it was in the years of past. When I was young, I used to wake up to the smell of fresh air, to the sounds of chirping birds. The ground, still moist from the morning dew. The tree's were of abundance. I remember how much I used to rush out of bed, just to go and play outside. I remember using slingshots to try and shoot birds. But, fortunately, my limited skill did not allow me to hit any birds.

Neighbours back then, were friendly and very forgiving. I remember the elders used to always talk to each other on the streets or even over the fence. We would normally play a game of badminton in the evening. Some of us kids used to go biking. I used to refer to them as Mrs. Wong or Mrs. Tan. I still do though. We were pretty close back then.

When I was young, my neighbourhood was probably one of the safest places to be. There was no crime. Neighbours used to watch over each others home everytime others were not in, or if they had gone for a holiday. We, kids could go outside and play without having to worry about being kidnapped or anything of that nature. I used to enjoy it back then.

But now, all that is nothing more then a memories. The place whee I live has indeed become the breeding ground for criminals and pollution. Just last night, two cars had their wheels and rims taken away from them. If it were luxury cars, I would surely understand. But the cars that lost their wheels were a Proteon and a Perodua. I wonder just how much those theives intend to make when they sell them? Would they even have a buyer? A few days ago, my neighbour had her car's window smashed, right in front of my house by a bunch of unscrupulus theives who then demanded for money. How stupid is that? Not long ago, Yee Leong's house got broken into by two men. They stole a laptop. Chatichai got robbed twice in a passageway which I use everyday to walk to college. Of course there are many more stories. But I'm afraid that the limited space and time does not allow me to tell anymore.

Sometimes I wonder why do people steal, when they have their own hands and feet to make a decent living? Is getting rich through the misery of others lawful? Or even right? Haven't they learnt that what goes around comes around? I hope that someday someone would teach them a lesson.

When Paths Diverge

'So it ends,' he said while looking down the road that he had walked. A road filled with memories of custom origins. 'So ends a bond that I hoped would last forever,' he said. His mouth so close to the microphone that he could taste the metal and feel the air of electricity coming from the microphone. 'I don't know what happened, neither do I know why. But all I know is that after four years, it ends here.' he said while taking a pause to asses the crowd's reaction. Of course, nobody knew what he was talking about. He always spoke in incomplete rhetoric. Nobody really understood why. Nobody did, but him. Some theorized that he was terrified. Some theorized that he was ashamed or even too shy. Perhaps these theories were right. But we may never know. For when it came to containing the feelings and thoughts that he had engendered, he was a master. Nobody else could do it the way he does. Like a volcano, he thrives on being fed on vast quantities searing magma. But unlike a volcano, he doesn't erupt. Or does he? Well, no one knows the answers. All they can do is speculate.

But returning to the crowd, he said. 'I don't know what else to say. I tried my best, with my best intentions at heart, but somehow the message never got through. Even if it did, it was misread. And therefore, as of now, our paths are separate. They no longer converge. Neither are they parallel.' With that, he stepped back and walked off the stage. Receiving a silent applause at best.

The Scene Of The Battle

And so he lived through the day, unscathed, but sceptical at the very least. Fighting a battle he knew that he had lost. But when the day ended, he felt victorious. Why? It was because he managed to defeat his very formidable enemy. The enemy which had previosly beat him by a mile, now lay wasted and bruised before his very eyes. By what margins did he defeat his foe? Obviously it is to early to say. But perhaps, in the not so distant future, he will know the answers. Perhaps then, will he truely celebrate. But until then, his fingers remains crossed. For he can never be too sure of a victory which results have not been handed down to him through a sheet of paper. The signs may look good, his commanders may seem happy and his soldiers may look confident. But lessons from the past has taught him never to make emotionally charged predictions. It may well backfire in ways he would never have expected.

Its like they always say, a race is never well and truely over until the chequered flag has been waved, and the leader of the pack crosses the finish line.

Selfish

I displayed a great deal of self centeredness today. I had my luxuries take precedence over the needs of my own ******. I know that this day will never come again along the course of this year. But still, I refused to admit this and made a conscious decision to be selfish.

I may have had my pleasures, but it is the one whom I have acted selfishly upon who will feel it for the rest of the day, or maybe the year. I cannot speak too much about it, without revealing any more than I have to. For if you were to know the details of what I did. I would undoubtedly be held at the mercy of your wrath and judgement.

Sacrifices were made for me. But in the spur of the moment, I lost all sense of rationality and behaved like an ingreat. Sometimes, I hold on to unimportant things, most often at the cost of the mental well being of another person. When will I ever change? When will I ever learn how and when to let go?

This Is Not The End Of The Road

I have already reconciled with the fact that I can no longer give any more of my effort to better my score. The tragedy was, I ran out of steam this morning. I tried, accomplished half of it, and like a candle on a windy day, I burned out. All I can do now, is sit it out and hope for the best. Though I know that the best would most certainly disappoint me again. But somehow, I seem to already have accepted this fact. The problem is, I just cannot figure who should I blame for this ending?
I tried to blame myself, but every evidence showed that apart from my habit of overlooking details, I have done everything there is to be done. I know that I should never blame anyone else for my faliures. It will only serve to paint me as a sore loser. But this, this is just mind boggling. I just can't figure what went wrong. I wish I knew the answers. But all I can do now, is to try harder and smarter. I may not have been able to defeat you yesterday, today, tomorrow or the day after. But someday, when I say when, I will. And when I do, we shall both be friends. Using each other as a stepping stone to greatness.

I was one short of a thousand, but a million miles away from the perfect ending.

This is dedicated to my big blue book and the countless 100 page test pads and pens that I have used up in my quest to be a genius.

F1: A Spectacle Of Man, Machine And Balls

I know that the five red lights are still hours away. Its on Sunday 11.00 am in fact. BUt I can already feel my heart beating really fast. I was just surfing through itv-f1.com and all the news there was like heaven. All the hype, the colours, the cars, the pit babes, the practice times. Damn, I feel like I have landed on the moon. I know, not every one shares my profound passion for Formula 1. They keep saying that its just a bunch of cars going around in circles week in week out. But obviously they are ignorant about the fact that teams collectively spend billions of dollars a year just to gain a few tenths of a second. Wind Tunnels and Formula 1 factories run for 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Now what other sport has that? What other sport has a history so rich that hundreds of books have been written? Where so many boys and girls have been turned into fine young men and women?

Governments around the world spend billions of dollars just to have Grand Prix circuit in their backyard. Every company wants a peice of their name on a Formula 1 car. Not to mention the publicity, the management, the glory. Did you know that if an average person were to drive a lap in a Formula 1 car, he would most probably have his or her neck snapped by the intense G- Forces. Look at Lewis Hamilton, who graduated from GP2, F1's feeder series last season. Though a professional racer, he had to go through an intense back breaking fitness regime just to get into shape for this season.

In essence, Formula 1 is indeed a game of high speed chess. Only this time, the pawns are the racers themselves. The kings and queens, the team managers.
And therefore, everyone involved in it, in my opinion, should be given due respect for their part in this high speed spectacle of man, machine and Balls.

Defeated

Defeated and defeated over and over again by everything, Some, my own doing. Some, beyond my control.

Last week, I was screwed by my profound habit to overlook details.I was defeated by a broken internet yesterday, Defeated today, by a bunch of numbers that conform to an intergrand. I wonder what I would be beaten by tomorrow?

Lazy

I have so many things to for this week, but yet I just feel like passing time away doing nothing. I have a quiz today, tomorrow and the day after. And on Monday, I have Calculus test. Then on Tuesday, my econs asignment is due. nd quite honestly, the only things that I am looking forward to is physics quiz on thursday and the dedline for my econs assignment. But apart from all of these nonsense, I look forward to the new Formula 1 season which starts this weekend. And the wait is killing me.

I'm still considering whether or not to drop calculus 2 and concentrate on my other subjects, while maintaining my 3.4 cgpa or to continue with calculus and allow my results to drop. Depressing indeed. Who would have ever thought that this would happen? But I guess, that the journey doesn't end here. It took Michael Shumacher 9 attempts to win the Australian Grand Prix. Einstein was a faliure at school. My uncle failed his law exam 7 times, and he now has his own practice, dealing with the most hardcore criminals.

But all I know is, I feel very lazy and incompetent right now.

Simplicity In Words

All the while that we have been sitting here, its amazing how we never really understood our passion for the simple act of relativity of what may have always been a rather complex form of indulgence toward a state of mind that is so often misread or misbranded by all those who have frequently ceased to grasp the basic gravity of an affair which never really has much meaning to it when compared to affairs with hardly subtle begginings and endings, and as much as it amazes me, it horrifies me, it perplexes me, for all the while, we have always been trying to understand things from the most complex of sights that we fail so miserably in appreciating the beauty in simplicity and straightforwardness, just like how we assume a soul with a body from the value of its face and not from the value of its inner occupants. Beauty often comes in sipmlicity, and just like this paragraph, I advise you not to crack your head or indulge in it. It was more of a feeble attempt in creating a monster that is actually a princess.

What!!!!

***********************AUTOMATIC RESPONSE***********************

Thank you for writing. As of January 12th, 2007 I (Matthew Flaherty) am no longer with Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University. For questions concerning International or Graduate Admission, please use the contact information below to reach one of our campuses where someone will attend to your inquiry:

For the Prescott, Arizona campus:
pradmit@erau.edu
For the Daytona Beach, Florida campus:
international.admissions@erau.edu

Thank you for your interest in Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University.

THIS IS SO NOT HAPPENING. The only guy who is helping me in my application for Embry Riddle has resigned!!

Mind you, he was the director of Graduate Admissions.

Looks like I will have to start all over again.

The Wait Is Over

You know what? I really envy all those soccer fans who get to watch their sport all year round, and at absolutely anytime that they wish. Every sports channel seems to be replaying every match all the time. And does it hurt their ratings? It does, but not significant enough to damage their income. Why? Because you have people like me who are only interested in watching one thing. Real men with real testosterone, driving machines with real power, at speeds and conditions that no footballer would ever dare drive at. And guess what, real men with real testosterone don't appear very often on television. And therefore, people like me have to spend their mid Octobers right until their mid March with absolutely nothing to watch on any sport channel. And the unfortunate part is, these 5 to 6 moNths pass by at a pace where even a snail would need no effort beating. Even a man with the forbearance of the Dalai Lama would suffer.

But this year time has passed by very quickly.

Two days ago, Moto Gp officially began. They were at Losail, Qatar. Casey Stoner nixed Valentino Rossi to the chequered flag. And guess what? Stoner was riding a Ducati!!

Next week, the Formula 1 circus will go to Melbourne, and I absoulutely can't wait to feast my eyes on Formula 1 cars and drivers. This season already promises to be an explosive one in about a decade. With the red baron retired, and with Mclaren, Ferrari and BMW right on the pace, only god will know how the season will go.

If I am not mistaken, Rally has started too.

The wait is finally over!!!!!!!
Oh boy, I really feel my testostereone pumping now!!

Me And My Guitar

Ever seen one of dud bombs? Ever noticed how they work? Well, in case you didn't know, they just fall of the bombers who carry them and they would hurtle down to the ground at mind boggling speeds and then explode with a force good enough to cause your local ants to become dinner. This of course leads me to my next point which is..... No, wait. It doesn't. I just felt like writing that. But anyways, today, I would like to talk about my guitar playing. Yes, ladies and gentlemen. my guitar playing.

If you ever had a chance to watch me play when I was 16 and then watch me play now, my guess is that you would most probably come to a conclusion that my playing hasn't changed. My influences have, my so called fan base has, but my playing just hasn't. Not even by an inch.

Well, for the most part of it, I have to blame it on laziness to practice. But that was back when I was a 17 year old dude. But then, when I started coming out of my shell, I found that I had absolutely no time to play. Every time I wanted to play, something would turn up and I would be dragged away from actually playing. Would you believe me if I told you that the last time a learnt a new song was way back last year? Until now, I haven't learnt anything new that is worthy of mention.

Of course, this hands me a colossal handicap in terms of independability. It makes me replacable. But then again, who is there that you know of can strum rather consistently? But then again, what happens when your main guy is unable to attend a concert? Who is going to do the tricky work? In that sense, I agree that I possess a handicap.

The whole affair is very depressing indeed. Therefore, I am going to have to change the way things are. From now on, from absolutely 0 hours of guitar playing per week, I'm going to raise that to a minimum of four and I will learn a new song every two weeks. A modest number indeed. But when you put that into perspective, or in sync with my other activities, I can guarantee that you would be absolutely horrified.

Jon, if you are reading this, call me an arse of whatever you please, and make me feel guilty about it.

Note: replacable and independability are not words which you may find in the dictionary. They are made up with the sole intention of getting the message across with greater effectiveness.

The Artist And The Curator Part 3

Throughout the weeks of painting, he had been taunted by everyone. Some told him to forget it and don't bother wasting his time on something that can never be accomplished. But he went about it anyways. To his ears, all those taunts were indirect inspiration. They acted the way fuel does to a raging inferno. Sure, when times were difficult he felt tempted to submit to those taunts, but memories of past forbade him from ever falling into a trap where the weak-willed have so often
fallen into.

Then finally, after weeks of toiling, he was finished. He had double checked to ensure that he had not missed a single detail. Every shade was given a shade. Every rock, given a detail. Every color emphasized to perfection. It was his crown jewel, it was his child, it was his blood. He loved it the way a mother does her child. Upon completion, he called his friend over to his studio. He asked for his friend's opinion. His friend promptly pronounced his satisfaction in rhetoric that he will never forget, for this rhetoric will later serve in a way the flames from a gas stove does to a boiler.

After the dates had been negotiated with the arts curator, and the gallery, all he needed to do was to present them. Present them to the very same eyes that had earlier flung him out the window with the contempt of a dictator. But he was confident. He was confident enough so much so that he sang the song of the warrior all along the way to the gallery. He felt like a king. Who wouldn't?

'Honourable judges, ladies and gentlemen, it is with great reverence that I present to you the painting which everyone has been anticipating.' said the master of ceremonies to the already restless but building crowd. 'With out further delay, I give you 'Nature's Fury'.' With that, the stage curtains were lifted, revealing to the crowd, the painting.

At first there was a deafening silence. The artist started to fidget. Then, after what seemed like eternity, the crowd started to converse among themselves. The judges started conferring with each other. The artist started to get nervous. Was this it? What does it mean? Why aren't they applauding?

'Dear sir, after a brief conference between us, the judges. We have decided to rank your current piece of art work, 'Nature's Fury,' no higher than your previous artwork. Thank you, and good evening. With that the entire crowd started taunting him.

The artist was shell shocked. He stood rooted to the ground, mouth wide open. He couldn't believe the words that had just came out from the mouths of the judges. But why? What had he one wrong? Didn't he not put in his entire heart and soul into his work? What about his friend? Why did his advice fail so miserably? It was then he saw a sight that he would never forget.

It was his friend, standing in the judges booth, shaking their hands with pride. Head held high and nodding his head to every word the judges said.

What did all this mean?

The Artist And The Curator Part 2

For today's post, I would like to retrace my steps, or words, in this case to a post which I had posted not too long ago. And if I am not mistaken, I titled it 'The Artist and The Curator.' Well, I do hope that you have managed to figure out what that post was really about, for I am going to make some refrences, and I have finally found out what has happened to the artist during his second showcase at a very popular art gallery.

After being told by his friend about his real state of affairs, the artist went back to his canvas and decided to start all over again. Right from the basics. This time, he did so from a very different angle. At first, he stared at his canvas. He tried to envision what painting would would best suit the tastes of the audience who were going to judge his paintings and eventually buy them. For the first few days, no matter how hard he cracked his brain, he could not come up with a single idea. Not even the faintest of one. But then one day, while sleeping, he had this dream. And in this dream, he saw beautiful people. He saw people who had suceeded based on pure grit, sheer competition and resilience. He saw the ones dicarded due to their inability to face the gruelling nature of competition He also saw the invisible hand that guided these people to do what they did and to live the way they are. In effect, he saw the perfect picture. He witnessed mother nature in action. HIs dream was so intense that he woke up, bathed in cold sweat. The sheets of his bed, strewn due to his excessive movement.

At that very instant, he jumped out of bed, washed his face and got to his canvas and started painting. He painted very quickly but carefully. Pouring all his emotions onto the peice of canvas as if his life depended upon it. As a matter of fact, it did. He did so for the next few weeks. Feverishly. He would often go about his paintings with such pace and concentration that time and humane pleasure no longer exist. But he accepted it. For it was the only way he knew.

I guess I have to end here for the moment. I have too many people chatting with me. I'll continue later tonight.

Quotes of the Day

'Alright class, for those of you fighting the nukes case, this just came in. It seems that, with the backing of photograpic evidence, the nuclear physicist on the other team has just been spotted dancing and walking with Kim Il Jong in his palace grounds. In two minutes, I will come over and check on your response'
-Dr William Borges on the news development of our case-

'I'm sorry, but the factory said that the shirt won't be ready by today afternoon. So you can come and collect your deposit'
-That Idiot from Sticker Station-

'Eh bro, how do you study four chapters of physics in one day?'
-Nick Win-

'Why don't I hear my usic being played for music fest?
- Marcus Matthias Lincoln Veera-

'Because the laptop is being controlled by pop heads'
- Senthil-

'You want to buy my jeep?'
-Justin Soh, when I told him his jeep rocks. He also wanted to sell it at RM38 000-

Today was not bad, I mean those quotes were the highlights of the day. And I finally got a ride in Justins jeep. My dad's Storm looks like a toy when parked beside Justin's jeep. So you get the idea.

Humps And Potholes

Today was a day with many humps and potholes. Alot of good things and not so good things happened. It was a very long day as well. I was at college from 8 am until 10.30 pm.

Well, for starters, my two MusicFest boards were finally completed. I even finished Chris's board. I do not wish to blow my own trumpet, but the rest of the committee liked my Rock and Blues board. Secondly, I managed to complete my revision for Physics, save for chapter 8 which I will ask Sachin to teach me tomorrow. Third, my Calculus has gotten stronger. They no longer look like Greek to me. Oh yeah, befor I forget, Serene Sound, Parker and some eye wear company decided to sponsor our event.

The downside of the day was, I screwed up big time on getting the T-Shirts done. Technically it was not my fault, but my responsibility towards my job compels me to take full responsibility of what has hapened and what might happen soon. What happened was that the staff at the factory had misprinted the shirts and the seller had to send them back to the factory. He said that we could get it on Thursday, but it would be too late because MusicFest ends on Friday. He did offer to refund us though. Kiu Fung and Jiar Li did look diappointed, but for whatever reason, they did not pin any blame whatsoever on me. Another reason I felt screwed up because I was really anticipating to see people wear the shirts which Jon and I had designed. But if we do not get them by tomorrow, I guess that perhaps its just not our time.

So this is a minor review of my day. Have a good day everybody.

MOAW

This week is the mother of all weeks (moaw). It makes all the previous weeks look like child's play. This week I have three massive events going on and I absolutely need to attend to all of them. The events are as follows.

1) Calculus Make Up Test
2) Physics Mid Term
3) Music Fest
4) Preperation for Calculus Quiz
5) Preparation for Calculus Mid Term

And just to let you know, preparing for a quiz alone can be like walking through hell and back. Imagine what the tests must be like.

Elena & Blog Design

This post is long overdue, as I was requested by Elena to post it about three days ago, but I haven't been able to do so due to the fact that I was and still am relatively busy. This is for Elena.

Now, we all know how badly Elena wants to win the blog design competition. And to win it, she needs to get all the votes which she can muster from all her friends. Of course, she can't do it all by herself and she needs our help to do it. So to vote for her, this how you do it.

Step 1) Log on to www.blog-it.com.my
Step 2) Click on blog design
Step 3) Register/ Sign Up
Step 4) Return to homepage
Step 5) Click on Blog Design
Step 6) Click on vote now
Step 7) Vote for Elena Lee Yu Shen

You can do it everyday, which I highly reccomend you to.
This goes out to everyone, even those who don't know her.
Thanks alot to those who are giving a positive respond to this post!!

My Dark Side

Yesterday I was at the concourse. It was around 2 o'clock in the afternoon. I had just finished having my lunch. I wanted to go back to studying and I decided that it would be very unwise of me to go and study on a full stomach. So, I walked myself to one of the benches lining the basketball court and sat down. The wind was blowing and it made me feel like I was home. While sitting down, I fell into an abstraction.
Many thoughts rushed through me as I slowly adjusted myself to the afternoon heat. One of them was about my deepest passion, writing. I had always looked at writing as perhaps one of the only ways in which I can truly express my self without having to conform to any borders whatsoever and perhaps allow others to look into doors that are usually not very visible, or doors that seem non existent or even closed. But what jolted me the most was the fact that I enjoyed writing about dark and sinister things. I enjoyed the solitary and sadistic world of darkness and death. A world where I have no comrades in arms. A world where I am alone in battle. A world in where I can shed my skin and reveal the animal in me. No one else that I know of enjoys this place that I go to. No one. And I'm happy for them. Because, once you have entered this world, there is no path back home. The only path that lines your journey is a path leading forward.
This passion for the dark has certainly spilled its boundaries and has come into who I am. Perhaps explaining alot of things. Explaining my silent tempers, my insecurity and my dark thoughts.
When you see a picture, you see what is on the surface. But when I see a picture, I see more than that. I hear the voice of the person in the picture. I replay old memories that would let my subconcious mind take control of my concious mind. Thats why I so frequently seem lost in a paradise where angels and demons roam freely.
I am what I am not because I want to be who I am. But rather I was shaped into being who I am by events I wish never happened. Genes I wish never existed. All my words are connected to a more sinister being and are not just a whim based on the moment in time. It is forever.

Like Poking Needles Into Flesh

When will it all be over? Today I went to college at 8.30 am and returned at around 6.00pm. All in the name of preparing for Calculus and Physics test this Thursday. Judging by the rate of how things are going, I really don't know whether or not I will make it out in one piece after the semester ends. Things have gotten really difficult. Math already seems like studying Greek letters.I wonder how Calculus 3 will be like? Physics is getting a whole lot interesting, which also brings about more groundwork and an array of complex calculations. One week into the post Chinese new year break, and I already feel like I need a years break from everything. This is, I guess, the life of a student studying Aerospace Engineering. Sometimes I really wonder how did all those Aerodynamics greats like Adrian Newey live through college life? The best part is, the climax had yet to come. From what I understand, this is barely 10% of what I will face when I get to Embry-Riddle next fall. I hope I will find the strength to go on and reward my parents and all those who have painstakingly supported me throughout my perilous journey with class one honors. But I guess it no pain, no gain. Its like poking needles into flesh. First comes the unbearable pain, then the numbness which leaves you immune to the pain.

My hero for the moment: Charles Lindbergh.

My Lifeline

For the past 3 weeks, I felt as if the entire world had turned their backs on me. I felt deprived of all my hopes and dreams. I was extremely disappointed at how things had turned out. Nothing played out the way that I had wished for them to play out. It was like I was allowed to be layed bare to dry under the searing mid day sun by all those whom I had faith in. In short, where goodness was concerned I was a pauper.
Enduring these times have most certainly taught me many things about myself. Things that I doubt I would have learned had it not been for all these difficult times. These times taught me how much of a loser I was. They taught me that when my morale was down, I was as good as the back of a knife. But what alarmed me the most was that how easily I was willing to throw in the towel and let go of my dreams. Of course, I tried to hide all of this behind a mask of a seemingly resolved person. But even under such covers, I felt vulnerable. Vulnerable to everything and everybody else. My usual bubble of superiority over others had all but burst.
Obstacles are those frightful things that you see when you fail to focus on your goals. These were the exact words printed out on one of my exercise books. To a normal person, these words might be just the words of another adage. But to me, I felt as if the book was teasing me. It teases scraped the marrows out my bone. They did so because for all these times I had been running away from my problems. I often ran away when I was hit by an obstacle. I thought that by running away, my problems would stay far away. But I was mistaken. My problems were never closer to me then they were now. I thought that by not attending to them I could avoid them altogether. But I could not. For every time I thought of my problems, I look down upon myself. They were not worth solving anymore.
But now, I've been given a chance to solve them, and prove to myself that behind every great man, there is a great period of a dark age or a depression. And now, I shall work towards my Renaissance. Like victorious phoenix, I shall rise from my ashes. But I know it will all come at a cost. A cost that I am willing to forgo. Lifelines like these don't come knocking all the time.

Cancelled Classes

You know what, I feel real evil today. Well, you know how much we all hate to wake up early to go to college or school then find out that class is cancelled? It just happened today. Not to me, but to my friend, Sachin. Here's how it happened.
This Tuesday, Ms. Jerry told the entire class that physics lessons on Thursday(today) would be cancelled because she won't be here. It just so happened that Sachin did not attend class for that day because he was sick. He still is. Since I was his good friend, Ms. Jerry asked me to tell him that class would be cancelled. At first, Calvin joked, 'eh dude. Don't tell Sachin.' Then the whole class echoed his jocular statement. So did I.

I then thought to myself, I won't tell him now because I will be seeing him tomorrow(Wednesday). So, I left the matter as it was.

(Fast Forward to Thursday Morning(Today))
I woke up at around 8.30 in the morning. As usual, the first thing I do when I wake up is to check my handphone for any missed calls or messages. I did, and realised that I had one missed call. I clicked to check who it was. It was Sachin. I asked myself, why on earth did Sachin call me. After a few minutes of pondering, it hit me in the head like a rock smashing into concrete. To my absolute horror,I had forgotten to tell Sachin that classes were canceled. I messaged him and cassually asked 'you called?'. I was playing dumb. A few minutes later I got a reply "How come you did not inform me that today got no class?'. I replied 'Crap, I thought you already knew. Sorry about that dude.' NO reply came back.

I seriously feel bad for him. He is sick and drove all the way from Bangsar to get to college. I must appologise tomorrow.

See, I'm a good friend right?

Layers

LAYER 1: ON THE OUTSIDE

Name: Errr...Senthil..I think
Birth Date: 24/08/88
Current Status: Does my guitar count?
Eye Colour: The mirror tells me that they are black
Hair Colour: Black to brown (Damaged by hair gels)
Righty or Lefty: Righty

LAYER 2: ON THE INSIDE

My Heritage: Hmm..I wonder..
My Fears: Falling down while performing..
My Weaknesses: Very impatient on the road. I can be super lazy at times.
My Perfect Pizza: Tonnes of chicken, cheese and pineapple

LAYER 3: YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORRoW

My First Thoughts Waking Up: No class today!!!
My Bedtime: If she's on, then I'm on late..hehe
My Most Missed Memory: Tonnes of em..trust me


LAYER 4: MY PICK

Pepsi or Coke: Coke
McDonald's or Burger King: Neither..Subway is way better
Single or Group Dates: Single.
Adidas or Nike: Nike
Tea or Nestea: Tea.
Chocolate or Vanilla: Vanilla!
Cappuccino or Coffee: El Cappucino-ito

LAYER 5: DO YOU...

Smoke: I hate to burn money
Curse: Duh....
Take a Shower: I have a fixation for water. Does that answer your question?
Have a Crush: hehe...what do you think?
Think You've Been In Love: Yes, no , maybe...perhaps
Go To School: Nah..that was two years ago.
Want To Get Married: Yeahpz..
Believe In Yourself: On most issues, yes.
Think Your A Health Freak: I'd laugh to this question..


LAYER 6: IN THE PAST

Drank Alcohol: Yes.
Gone To The Mall: Yes. But I'm not very fond of malls
Been On Stage: I was built for the stage.
Eaten Sushi: Yes
Dyed Your Hair: Yes.



LAYER 7: HAVE YOU EVER...

Played A Stripping Game: No.
Changed Who You Were To Fit In: Don't we all?


LAYER 8: AGE YOU'RE HOPING...

To Be Married: Any age. But not before I own a Lamborghini


LAYER 9: IN A GIRL
Best Eye Colour: Blue
Best Hair Colour: No preference
Short Hair or Long Hair: What's a hairstyle?



LAYER 10: WHAT WERE YOU DOING...

A Minute Ago: Filling in this survey...duh
Hour Ago: Doing calculus, Trigonometric Integration.
4.5 Hours Ago: Sleeping
1 Month Ago: I can't remember
Year Ago: My last day working in Friday's with Jon!


LAYER 11: FINISH THE SENTENCES...

I love: Everything there is to be loved.
I feel: Distracted. So here I am, spending some time away from math.
I hate: I don't hate. I disagree. Hate is a strong word.
I hide: What should not be seen outside.
I miss: All there is to be missed.
I need: To get a life. Seriously


LAYER 12: TAG 5 PEOPLE

1. I can't think of any.