The Eager Observer

Its always easy to become the observer. Being an active participant is never easy. As on observer, all you have to do is watch what is going on and come up with a suitable analysis of it for a later inspection. But to take on the role of an active participant is never easy. That role requires you to be there, right in the middle of it all. Making decisions that could determine the consequence of the action. Thinking of a point to keep things going on, to counter or to corroborate what has been said. To make the other party completely engaged in what is going on and the list just goes on and on. But as daunting as it may sound, as a keen observer, I've always relished the opportunity of being able to be right in the middle of it all. The prime mover in other words. Something like a Castro or a Kennedy or an Obama or someone who is just behind the scenes, doing what needs to be done, leading when it is best to lead and following whenever it is wise to do so. But by stating the previous sentence, in no way do I wish to imply that I have the credentials of the mentioned leaders, but they are stated only as a mere example to simplify an idea that is currently being put into words. Anyhow, the reason why I've always relished the chance to be top dog is simply to experience the intensity of being the one in charge of making something happen. But living in the middle of one right now, all I can say is that, its not easy. You have to deal with a whole lot of people with a whole lot of attitudes. Something that is never easy. While some people are easy to deal with, others can be a complete headache. And the only way to rope them in is to make them see reason, achievable only through sound reasoning and charisma. One of which seems to elude me at times of need. Second, you need to learn how to get tough with people. Tell them off whenever you have to without feeling a pinch of guilt. Something which has eluded me due to my constant need to please even though I have assured myself time after time that it is perhaps impossible to please everyone, all at the same time. The third is to deal with planning. Something which I think I am good at but I still lack the vision and self critique of greater planners and not to forget, the minor details that no one else would even remember to think off. And I think that it is problems like these that are hampering the progress of my project.

I really don't know who to turn to or what to do. Thankfully, from one side, things are going on, despite the need to push and shove. But unfortunately, so many other things are in jeopardy. So many things that I've dreamt of happening and have so confidently spoken about to others are now slowly disintegrating before my very eyes. And no matter how hard I try to fix the situation, it always seems to be getting worse off. Leaving me at a complete loss and often leading me into sleepless nights trying to figure out how to solve all these problems. And all these thinking has definitely led me to some very thought provoking questions. Are the people around me ready to take that extra mile, way out of their comfort zone in order to see something through? In order to live up to a commitment? Are the people around me paying me lip service just to look good? Are they good in the long run? Are they credible? Somehow, I'm starting to believe that the answer is no. They often talk of big things. But when it comes to executing them, they are the worlds biggest cowards. Favoring to live in a comfort zone instead of putting up a fight. They don't even wan to try. Often coming up with unfathomable excuses as to why it can't be done. And to be honest, I am already getting sick and tired of all these things. Sometimes I look at other people and feel jealous and frustrated of what they have, in terms of having a committed bunch. I feel jealous watching them progress day after day, pumping new ideas into their projects, having a good time in the process. I just can't understand why. I don't know what forces are at play, but all I know is that I want them to go away.

But yet, through all these difficulties, I still prefer to become the participant. It makes you grow old quicker, I don't know if its worth it, but all I know that it is definitely something. But then again, when I often make better observations than I do as a participant, I begin to ask myself just what am I really good at? The observer or the participant?